Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Clavinism

Originally written January 2005 - only slightly updated & edited
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Cliff Clavin, Founding Father of Clavinism

Brother Cliffy - Patron Saint of Clavinism


While many Christians are familiar with the TULIP and the 5 points of Calvinism that it represents, there is in fact a smaller, much lesser known group out there within Christianity, that I would like to bring your attention to. Primarily because it is important to distinguish between reformed theology, and deformed mentality. While some may consider them strikingly similar, they are in fact not the same at all. I know this may sound confusing at first, but it will become as clear as mud, as you read this official document, below.

This group is known as Clavinists, and like Calvinists, they also have a flower that represents the points they hold to; the ever-popular DANDELION (considered by most as a pesky weed, but cherished by Clavinists as a lovely representation of what they hold dear).

Before I go into detail on the 9 points of Clavinism, as represented by the acrostic DANDELION, I would like point out that Clavinists really do not hold to any particular eschatological, ecclesiastical, or soteriological view, or sound theology whatsoever. Clavinism is ultimately a simple set of philosophical/trivia views as defined by the founder of the movement, and our patron saint Cliffy Clavin.

Without further delay, here are the 9 points of Clavinism, as defined by DANDELION:

D Dairy Sprinters: It is a little known fact that Dairy Farmers generally run faster in the rain, than people of any other known occupation.

A Aristotle: It is true that if you reaarange the letters in Aristotle, you come up with Tis A Rotel. This is a Scottish saying that means “pass me a biscuit with gravy, please”.

N No Rule: There's no rule against postal workers not dating women. It just works out that way.

D Dog Hands: The harp is a predecessor of the modern day guitar. Early minstrels were much larger people. In fact, they had hands the size of small dogs.

E European Submersion: If all the people in Europe, over 100 pounds, jumped up and down, at the same time, approximately 72 times, Europe would fall roughly 86 feet below it’s current sea level status.

L Leverage logic: Everyone is the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army Knife. That's why no one messes with Switzerland.

I Iellnick: If you were to go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By these calculations, our next president has to be named Iellnick McWawa.

O: OOLOOPOOLOO: alternative name of Karanja, an aboriginal language of Queensland Australia. This language can commonly be heard in IRC chat channels where people discuss the 9 points of Clavinism as opposed the the 11 points of Hyper-Clavinism. Contrary to it’s deceptive spelling, this word is actually pronounced this way: "allllll means ALLLLLLL!"

N Namby-Pamby – this was actually the nickname for an English poet named Ambrose Philips. How he earned this nickname was due to his inability to ice skate, play floor hockey, walk, talk or chew gum. Wearing a dress and carrying a purse didn’t help matters.

There you have the 9 points of Clavinism. It is vital that you understand these points to have a clear and concise understanding as to the difference between a Clavinist, and a hyper-Clavinist.

Hyper Clavinists add 2 additional points, to the DANDELION, and those points are listed below:

EH (While “eh” is a commonly known saying among many Canadians who sound a lot like Bob & Doug McKenzie, hyper-clavinists and Canadians should never be confused for each other, as Canadians have a fondness for moose, poutine, buttertarts and relaxing, and are never hyper aboat anything, eh?)

E EL PUEBLO DE NUESTRA SENORA LA REINA DE LOS ANGELES DE PORCIUNCULA. This is the factual, original name for the city of Los Angeles California. It has so many names because like the current residents, the original founders of the city were very confused and were undecided on what to call it. In Spanish this means: my house has nostrils the size of a rhino, and my porcupine has a rash.

H Hark! Toxic jungle water vipers quietly drop on zebras for meals! This is a pangram, which is a sentence using all of the letters in the alphabet. Pangram is in the Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd ed., with the earliest citation from 1964, although the word pangrammatic goes back to 1933. Oddly enough, this was the same year (1933) Cliff Clavin was born, in Oxford, of all places.

So, there you have it. A clear, concise, absolutely useless document, showing the truth, about what a true Clavinist is. So the next time someone wildly accuses you in a chat channel, or radio show or podcast of being a Clavinist, or a hyper-Clavinist, pleaser refer them to this document, so that they might be more well informed of what they’re yakking on about.