Wednesday, August 8, 2007

An evil so pervasive...

this will rid your house of pesky flies... yeah, sure it will You see this little dealie-bob here? Well, we have 2 of them. It's a fairly simple little piece of battery operated gadgetry. You stick a can of DIE-FLY in there, set the frequency for how often you want it to shoot a wee little burst of powerful housefly killer, and close the door on it. They work very well, for a while.

May & June they're amazing. Even if you live in the heart of farm country, which we do, and houseflies are a big problem, which they are. Come July however, these pesky little demons have built up a resistance to the fly spray (that's my theory and I'm sticking to it) and even though the cans of spray are full, the batteries are working and it's still spraying every 8 minutes, you notice that there are actually flies, in your house. They like to congregate where it's warm like the coffee pot, the stove, the pc monitor and frequently... your FACE. Oh yes, they land ON your face. Ever been to a hyper-charismatic worship service? Well, that's what I look like when one of these minions of evil lands on me. I can handle a lot of stuff, but a fly on the face is where I draw the line (and go rather spastic, I must say).

Come August, we move into a whole new battlezone. Part of our arsenal includes numerous flyswatters from the dollar store & a really focused attitude. It is so bad, it's a common thing to hear

LAND YOU FILTHY BEAST SO I CAN KILL YOU

Come out of my mouth, with a flyswatter in my hand and motives of instant death in mind. Oh yes, I go ballistic. In fact I've even re-written a section of a popular 1973 hit song to really capture the atmosphere:

I had some plans,
but then there were flies in my coffee
flies in my coffee, and...
You're so gross
You probably think you're going to live now
You're so gross
Land so I can kill you,
land so I can kill you...
you're so gross...

Okay sure it needs some work, but you get the idea. Some days it's so bad, I can actually swing the flyswatter pell mell without aiming and hit them mid-air. It's brutal, I tell ya.

So as of today I have declared all out war on these wretched, filthy monsters from the deepest pits of evil's heart. I'm buying MORE spray, and they are GOING DOWN.

Oh yes, there will be multiple casualties, and there will be a victor, and it shall be ME! There shall be much rejoicing in the land (okay just in my kitchen) and there will be fly-free coffee for all. It will be a beautiful day.