Thursday, May 31, 2007

It's 8am, do you know where YOUR face is?

Ladies, this one is just for you. The men can go read theology blogs or mow the lawn or stand in the garage, or something.


I think I was in my early 20's when I decided that putting on my face every day was more of a pain in the neck than I wanted to deal with. I had two little girls to take care of and a house to clean & dishes to wash, and I recall thinking "I need mascara to scrub toilets? - I don't think so". It was at that point I stopped wearing makeup as a normal 'everyday' thing, and would only wear it on special occaisions. I will admit that I was blessed as a teenager and didn't have the legendary acne episodes so many of my friends did, so my face was relatively scar-free, and I could get away with leaving the makeup off.

At some point over the years, I got into the habit of just never wearing it at all, no matter what. As long as my crazy-curly hair was under control, that was good enough for me and I never even thought about wearing makeup. That is until my girls started getting older and they wanted to wear it. After they had their own, from time to time I'd buy myself some eyeliner or something, and once in a blue moon I'd actually wear it.

I don't know when the change happened, because I wasn't paying attention (I was probably using Shout on a new t-shirt splattered with 'sketti sauce or scrubbing a toilet somewhere when it happened), but the change did indeed happen, and I'll get to that in a minute.

I'm going to assume that at least one of my readers was a Seinfeld fan. I'm also going to assume that at least one reader remembers the Puffy Shirt episode, when Jerry fumbled his way into promising to wear the puffy pirate shirt on the Tonight Show. Going on this assumption (or double assumption, as it were) I'm going to go one step further and guess that you'll also remember when Jerry said to Kramer "I don't WANT to be a pirate!" in the tone of a 5 yr old boy. Yep, you had to be there, but it was funny. Classic comedy tv.

I mentioned that because yesterday I heard myself say something similar to Jessica, my almost 17 yr old.

Because we homeschool and we're all about high academics and diligent study, yesterday Jessica and I were playing around with Celebrity Face Recognition software, right here. In case you haven't been there before (and I'll assume all self-respecting Christian mothers never go there!) it's a little program that matches your uploaded pic, with up to 9 pictures of famous people. It's a lot of fun, and a complete waste of time. I highly recommend it - do the whole family, you'll have a blast!

So there we were, uploading different pics of ourselves, the kids, friends and so on. It was fun doing other people, but when it came to doing my own picture - even the very best picture I have of myself - something kept happening that was incredibly disturbing.

I was sure the wretched software was busted, because it kept matching me up with ugly, old men celebrities, or manly looking (if ya know what I mean, Vern) older women celebs. That's when I heard myself say "I don't WANT to be an ugly old man!" in the Jerry Seinfeld tone of 'I dont want to be a pirate".

The thing is, I don't wear makeup, and so the older I get, I guess the more I resembe an ugly old man or a manly woman. GACK. I don't THINK so.

I don't want to be vain, or get all self-focused or anything, and I honestly have no issue at all with getting older. I have no interested in dashing out to buy a vat of $50.00 anti-wrinkle cream, and the "because I'm worth it" commercials on tv are almost always mocked by yours truly, to say instead "because I'm worthless" (similar to "maybe it's maybelline" being changed by me when I was about 16, to say "maybe it's surgery"). I don't have any issue with women wearing makeup or anything, it just seems to be a really self-centered industry out there that keeps telling us we need to make our faces look flawless or no one will like us. The funny thing is, at one time I checked just out of curiosity and the majority of CEO's of these cosmetics companies were ugly old men. Things that make you go "hmmm" indeed.

Here's the real issue though. I can obviously no longer get away with going completely makeup free, unless I want to look like an old man - which I definitely do not. I was mistaken once for a boy when I was about 11, and I had issues with that for years to come. We wont be going there again.

So, as of this morning I got up and put moisturizer on, and a little under-eye concealer. It only took a few seconds, so that part was good. The bonus was, even though my eyes were still a little puffy from sleep, I looked much less like an old man, than I did before I put the stuff on. The older I get, I'd much rather look like an old lady with at least a little make up on, than an ugly old man without eyebrows and a double chin. I think I might have nightmares about Buddy Hackett now - or Carol Burnett as Nora Desmond.

Oh, and one last thing. The only thing good about that face recognition thing, is that it told me my face resembles Carlos Bernard. TONY!! I'm okay with looking like Tony, it was a good picture of him too. (For those that have no clue who I'm talking about, summer is coming and it's time to watch seasons 1 through 6 of 24, and then you'll know who Tony is).

Now go have fun with that software. Here's to hoping you're not an ugly old man, especially if you're a woman!